Autoimmune disorder of writing ..

Writing can sometimes be afflicted by self doubts. Especially, it is true when you think 'too much' about the efficacy of your thought process, its ethical nature, its being based in rationality or otherwise. This self-doubt is almost akin to the autoimmune disorder diseases in which the body's immune system becomes so overactive that it starts attacking its own cells..

I have first hand experience of this. Not on one, but many occasions. I started writing a blog to give vent to my thoughts. It could also serve to document my thought process at various stages in life to indicate how I have evolved - although, it was never a thought when I started but was realised by my slow thinking a little later. It was my outlet to some things which I want to think aloud. But, as fearless and unaplogetic as I would love my writing to be, of late, I found myself scrapping not one not two, but almost five to seven variuos drafts of my writing many times beset by doubts that I am not thinking straight or that the thought process in this particular essay is not coherent..

Now, that I am looking back at these things, I feel like a stupid. I never wanted to be politically correct. I never wanted to be socially correct either when I am writing my thoughts. Then, why in the world should I worry if something is coming out right or something is not looking 'that right' ....

Conditioning of mind to make all things in your work look 'professional' and 'right' is something that wipes away our originality making us all assembly line thinkers. Assembly line is great for a standard product, for an army or a cult. But, it is a bad production process for state of the art excellence. That requires job work. And hence, you should be ready to keep working non stop producing scrap till you descend or stumble upon excellent product.

One should write and write fearlessly and uninterrupted. Because, a thought when written uninterrupted, maybe a better thought in quality than when it is edited by a conditioned mind which is mindful of who will not feel this right and how this is not correct and that is how something should be represented..

The whole purpose of using विवेक in thoughts is to not let your mind experience the raw feelings, but to arrest the feelings and bind them in various conditionings of culture, ethics and such. Which is not bad. But, if we do not experience the raw emotions first completely, the raw thoughts as they actually appear on your mind spontaneously; how will we be able to make ourselves realise that this is what 'I' think! That this particular is my thinking and thought process and that this is what makes me different form the next human being breathing the same air as me..

I think hence I am said Descartes. But, I believe I must think unconditionally for me to realise who I really am. Otherwise, like I experienced recently, I run the risk of the writer's autoimmune disorder ... and that only builds frustration to a thinking mind and never gives you any satisfaction...